by Jack Zavada
You know the feeling. You close the door behind
you and let out a big sigh. It didn't go well. In fact, it was a
disaster.
First dates are stressful even when everything
goes right. When you or the other person messes up, a couple hours can
seem like an eternity. But after the date is over, what you do next can
etch the bad experience into your mind or help you overcome it. Here are
some things you can do to recover from a disastrous first date.
1. Forgive yourself.
Most of us, when under stress, do things we
wouldn't normally do. If you talked too much--or not enough--if you
laughed too much, if you overreacted to some statement, or if you
behaved in a way that was out of character for you, don't beat yourself
up. We're often harder on ourselves than we would be on another person.
Show some compassion toward yourself. Acknowledge that you did the best
you could under the circumstances. Admit that it's natural to feel
nervous on a first date. Remember that nobody is perfect, and if you
didn't act like you should have, it isn't the end of the world. Be kind
to yourself by not falling into the self-punishment trap. It's important
to recognize that negative reaction and cut it off as quickly as
possible. If you can't seem to be objective about it, talk it over with
a trusted friend.
2. Forgive the other person.
If you're a decent judge of character, you can
usually tell when someone was motivated by nervousness or lack of
confidence. Just as you shouldn't be too hard on yourself, you shouldn't
beat up the other person either. By taking for granted that first dates
usually don't go well, you take a big step forward in emotional
maturity. Some people approach first dates with the idea that they're
something to get over with and put in the past. The anxiety of trying to
impress the other person frequently causes something to go wrong. Unless
the other person was abusive or rude, they deserve a second chance.
3. Be prepared to move on.
If you did something awkward or that warrants an
apology, sending flowers is a polite thing to do. And yes, men love to
receive flowers! But be prepared if the other person doesn't wish to see
you again, then don't pester them. Unwanted pursuit of another person is
stalking. No matter how much you like the other person or are attracted
to them, stop it. You'll only embarrass yourself or get in trouble with
the law.
4. Don't let the experience affect your
self-confidence.
See yourself as a worthwhile, attractive person.
You have many good qualities, and just because this person didn't
recognize them, that doesn't mean there isn't someone else out there who
can. If the other person doesn't want to see you again, they represent
only their opinion, not everyone's of the opposite sex. A person who
believes in himself or herself exudes an attractiveness that can't be
faked.
5. Look for the lesson.
You are a work-in-progress. Wisdom is the sum of
knowledge and experience, so take those two and figure out what you can
learn from that first date. We all make mistakes, but if we're wise, we
won't make the same mistake twice. Make up your mind to do things
differently the next time, or if you weren't to blame, decide not to
feel guilty when things don't work out. You deserve someone who will
appreciate you for who you really are. Resolve, above everything else,
to be kind, honest, and authentic. Eventually you'll meet someone with
those same qualities, and that's when the real fun begins!
